In the IPL match a few days back, I heard these dazzling quotes:
"Chennai is different from Kolkatta, geographically speaking." No shit? if chennai was georgaphically the same as kolkatta, it would be called kolkta and not chennai, you loser. What the hell is geographically speaking, anyway? Who the hell speaks geographically?
"After having had a look at their winning streak in the past few games, they wouldn't want to lose this match." So it took them a long look at their winning streak to realise that they don't want to lose this one? What dipshits! I wonder what would have happened if they hadn't seen the newspapers that morning - would they have wanted to lose?
Here is what a buffoon with a french beard managed to convey in 180 seconds: "Yeah, absolutely! Exactly! That's what I've been saying all along. You are right. There is no doubt about it. No doubt in my mind at all. The actual trouble is, if you really think about it, if he was asked to bat any other way, I am sure he cannot do it, because this is the only way he knows how to bat. It would be a great loss to the Indian team, and the spectators, and the sponsors and everyone else that we know if he was forced to bat any other way, because as I said earlier this is the only way he can bat. Yes, absolutely. I think we should also consider the fact that he has been an opener and has been in situations where he has had to bat like this, and he did...thats what I'm saying. Absolutely."
aaaarrrrggghhhhh! Somebody show me that Life insurance commercial, quick!!!
After the toss: "Captain, that was a nice toss to win. What are u going to do?"
Captain:"I guess we'll bat"
(What he should have said instead to boost the TRP ratings:"You GUESS? Make up your mind first, you clumsy baboon!"
Continues..."So, er... you'd like to get a good total on the board and defend it when the other team comes out to bat?"
Captain: "Yeah...the pitch seems dry blah blah blah"
(What he should have said instead to boost the TRP ratings:"Oh no no no! I think you've got it all wrong. What we would like to do is get out as soon as possible after making very few runs, and then when the opposition comes out to bat, we'd all like to dress up like the Limpopo tribals on a full moon night and come out here and do a nekkid mexican wave." That would have been refreshing.
During the match, one of the commentators says "The match has reached a stage where victory can go to either Punjab or Kolkotta. Wow. Now THAT was real deep, you shithead. So either Punjab or Kolkotta it is, eh?! Thanks for pointing that one out... I would never have figured it out on my own! If you hadn't reminded me, I would have probably thought Uzbekistan would have won the match! But hey, wait... you spoiled the surprise for me!