Sunday, April 26, 2009


Rental lease payment. Electricity. Unsolicited household chores. Packaged homogenised milk. Children. School fees. Castor oil. Kerosene. Purified semolina. Grocery rations. Palm oil. Raw rice. Wheat. Not enough. Not enough. Money is not enough at all. Hey! Rs 0.0625. Rs 0.125. We broke the coin accumulation container. Rs 0.25. Rs 0.50. We borrowed money. We mortgaged the container, the vessel...yet even after begging for Rs. 0.05 and Rs 0.10, not enough, not enough, not enough, not enough.

Knowledge fruit.

Monday, April 20, 2009


Hey! Alcohol. Anchovies. A used piece of tobacco wrapped in temburini leaf. Bat. Hut. Garbage bin and a tea shop nearby. A 4-seater tricycle. Kite. Manja with a bottle. Bail. Marble. Cotton wrap-around. Pot. Shall we sing gaana rap songs? Ms.Anjali. Marketplace. Knee-length trousers. Mr.Kanniappan. Ms.Muniamma. Messers Giri, Gaja and Mani. MGR. Sivaji Ganesan. Rajnikant. Kamal Hassan. Armpit whistle. A slap reducing cheeks to powder. All shows running house-full. Pettai rap.

I love Madras.

Sunday, April 19, 2009


OK. Would some nerdy university type reader point out to me the exact difference between a hydrocarbon and a carbohydrate?

If you are an annoying, nerdy reader and you don’t know the answer to that, die in shame. You don’t deserve to live. If you do, please go to the comments section and post the answer. After you do that, quickly run along and get a life. Or better still, die. I will reject your comment in either case.

Alright, I need a favour from you. I should not have insulted you. Sorry.

Die in shame anyway.

In school, they tried to sell fructose as a carbohydrate and paraffin as a hydrocarbon. I called their bluff. Without going into boring details, let me tell you that essentially they are both the same. So I asked them why paraffin cannot be a carbohydrate, as it also releases energy upon combustion. Then we could all have candle wax for dinner. They looked shocked.

It is not the wrongness of their world that annoys the marrow out of my bones. It is their stubbornness to not change their outlook and their pig-headed reluctance to believe that other, more elegant worlds might possibly exist.

Education is an industry and it is run by incompetent morons.

What lies have I been fed! What a vortex of deception my life has come to be! I think it is sad that the truest thing in my life right now is a song. It is sad that no one understands the anguish. Because all I've got are words, and sometimes words are not sufficient. Sometimes I don't even have words. But the honesty of its music is unbelievable. It just cuts straight through the curtains of life's nonsense. It is fresh and white and pure and the filth of the world cannot touch it, no matter how hard it tries. I feel like I am gazing at the northern star from a wildly spinning carousel of lies. I don’t mind the discomfort, the hypnotism, the deception and the nausea as long as I have my sight on the distant, constant star, which looks at me and smiles, as my father used to when I sat on uncomfortable carousels when I was a little boy. I couldn't wait to get off the carousel and run back to him. If I had to give up everything else in the world and have one thing, it would be my childhood. I detest the pretence of being a man, of knowing what I'd be doing 5 years hence. I want to die a boy. Yes, that is what I would ask for. I have fallen in love with a star.

I am scratching and clawing at the frayed ends of sanity, struggling to hold on to impossibly thin strands of normalcy. Somebody throw me a frickin’ bone!

Terrible day + Coffee = Bad idea.


Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Saturday night revolution remix

Did you hear about the coup in Madagascar, in which the president was ousted by a DJ who thought it would be cool to rule the country for a couple of years? The DJ just gave a press interview and declared that the president had been relieved of his duties. In an embarrassing turn of events, people ran amuck and there was general confusion everywhere and the President, not knowing what to do, and eager to avoid any confusion quickly resigned and handed over power to the DJ who obviously seemed to know what he was talking about.

I swear I am not making this up.

Click here to read the article.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

More things about the universe that dont make sense

If you feel, after having read the posts in this blog that I have already exposed most of the major flaws in the design of the Universe, what follows will take you entirely by surprise. Indeed, I have been giving the matter some serious thought, and have come to the conclusion that the world is upto no good. And our only chance of survival is letting me rule the Universe. Here are some more reasons why the Universe needs to be scratched off and a better replacement installed.

* What does it mean when someone says they will "definitely give more than 100%"? If 100% means total and absolute - that’s all they can possibly do. If they say they will do 110%, then 110 automatically becomes the new 100%, because they just showed that they could do not 100, but 110. So effectively, they end up doing a mere 100% after all.

* The Scandinavians invented the ice skates in the 5th Millennium BC. They also invented the ski in the 3rd millennium BC. Would you say it was impressive progress? A prematurely born gorilla which had been dropped on its head when it was born would have figured that out in less than 10 minutes. What took them 2000 years to get to the ski from the skate?

* If everyone in a group is unique, can one say that he is unique, just like everyone else?

* What is so "secret" about the secret service agent who tags along with the President of USA wherever he goes? I mean this guy has a two-way radio transmitter with earplugs and a 9mm Heckler & Koch submachine gun and a kevlar bodysuit and he looks around menacingly while a dozen cameras are trained on him. And he is being shown on every news channel from Easter Islands to Alaska. Everyone can see him and what he is upto, but in the glare of all those flashlights, he definitely cannot see anyone. And come on, no one is being fooled here. This guy can't be the president's interior decorator! He has to be a secret service bodyguard. Which brings me back to the question - what is so secret about him?

* Why do women love men who can play the guitar? I read somewhere that it’s got something to do with skillful use of fingers. I mean, what else can it be? Their conceptual understanding of Quantum Electrodynamics? It HAS to be skillful use of fingers. Then why won't women drool over typists and tailors?

* So Australia's contribution to the Book of Inventions is the Non Returning Boomerang. (Pause for effect) ....What is a Non Returning Boomerang? Is that a euphemism for something? Are you serious?! So the most significant Australian invention in the last 50,000 years is a stick?

* If my understanding from this news article is correct, General Motors is in a very bad financial state - demand is falling and there is excess capacity in the factory. So, the company needs to spend less and save more. In order to become a lean and efficient production machine and tide over the economic downturn, it has to cut down on costs and reduce the corporate excesses. So why they need a 23 billion dollar loan to do that? Economist-readers, explain.

* A word of advice to engineers who design puny 125 cc mopeds and garnish them with huge fairings and trapezoidal headlamps - and this is a subject I feel strongly on - If you drape a Chelsea shirt on a cow, it does not become Frank Lampard. And Roberto Carlos dressed in a tutu can kick the living daylights out of Mohun Bagan. Remember that. That's all I have to say on the subject of contemporary automobile design.

* "Movie sequels are sometimes better than the original. Because they usually have a bigger cast, more violence and bigger explosions. They are just more cajunga." Remind me, are we talking about the two world wars here? If this trend were to be allowed to continue, Max Payne 7 would start and end with uninterrupted handycam coverage of the Piper Alpha fire.

* So, what exactly is the deal with this "New Organic food" anyway? The other day, I saw " New Organic apples from Australia" on sale in the supermarket. I told the clerk i didn't fancy those and that I'd prefer the old fashioned inorganic ones instead... Oh didn't he remember the good old inorganic apples? The Iridium, Molybdenum and Polonium ones? No? They didn't stock those in the store anymore? What about apples made of weapons-grade titanium? Why was he grinning like an idiot? What did he seem so embarrassed about?

* What would you do if you had to melt down the plastic of a microwave bowl if you only had a microwave oven to melt it in?