Sunday, April 5, 2009

More things about the universe that dont make sense

If you feel, after having read the posts in this blog that I have already exposed most of the major flaws in the design of the Universe, what follows will take you entirely by surprise. Indeed, I have been giving the matter some serious thought, and have come to the conclusion that the world is upto no good. And our only chance of survival is letting me rule the Universe. Here are some more reasons why the Universe needs to be scratched off and a better replacement installed.

* What does it mean when someone says they will "definitely give more than 100%"? If 100% means total and absolute - that’s all they can possibly do. If they say they will do 110%, then 110 automatically becomes the new 100%, because they just showed that they could do not 100, but 110. So effectively, they end up doing a mere 100% after all.

* The Scandinavians invented the ice skates in the 5th Millennium BC. They also invented the ski in the 3rd millennium BC. Would you say it was impressive progress? A prematurely born gorilla which had been dropped on its head when it was born would have figured that out in less than 10 minutes. What took them 2000 years to get to the ski from the skate?

* If everyone in a group is unique, can one say that he is unique, just like everyone else?

* What is so "secret" about the secret service agent who tags along with the President of USA wherever he goes? I mean this guy has a two-way radio transmitter with earplugs and a 9mm Heckler & Koch submachine gun and a kevlar bodysuit and he looks around menacingly while a dozen cameras are trained on him. And he is being shown on every news channel from Easter Islands to Alaska. Everyone can see him and what he is upto, but in the glare of all those flashlights, he definitely cannot see anyone. And come on, no one is being fooled here. This guy can't be the president's interior decorator! He has to be a secret service bodyguard. Which brings me back to the question - what is so secret about him?

* Why do women love men who can play the guitar? I read somewhere that it’s got something to do with skillful use of fingers. I mean, what else can it be? Their conceptual understanding of Quantum Electrodynamics? It HAS to be skillful use of fingers. Then why won't women drool over typists and tailors?

* So Australia's contribution to the Book of Inventions is the Non Returning Boomerang. (Pause for effect) ....What is a Non Returning Boomerang? Is that a euphemism for something? Are you serious?! So the most significant Australian invention in the last 50,000 years is a stick?

* If my understanding from this news article is correct, General Motors is in a very bad financial state - demand is falling and there is excess capacity in the factory. So, the company needs to spend less and save more. In order to become a lean and efficient production machine and tide over the economic downturn, it has to cut down on costs and reduce the corporate excesses. So why they need a 23 billion dollar loan to do that? Economist-readers, explain.

* A word of advice to engineers who design puny 125 cc mopeds and garnish them with huge fairings and trapezoidal headlamps - and this is a subject I feel strongly on - If you drape a Chelsea shirt on a cow, it does not become Frank Lampard. And Roberto Carlos dressed in a tutu can kick the living daylights out of Mohun Bagan. Remember that. That's all I have to say on the subject of contemporary automobile design.

* "Movie sequels are sometimes better than the original. Because they usually have a bigger cast, more violence and bigger explosions. They are just more cajunga." Remind me, are we talking about the two world wars here? If this trend were to be allowed to continue, Max Payne 7 would start and end with uninterrupted handycam coverage of the Piper Alpha fire.

* So, what exactly is the deal with this "New Organic food" anyway? The other day, I saw " New Organic apples from Australia" on sale in the supermarket. I told the clerk i didn't fancy those and that I'd prefer the old fashioned inorganic ones instead... Oh didn't he remember the good old inorganic apples? The Iridium, Molybdenum and Polonium ones? No? They didn't stock those in the store anymore? What about apples made of weapons-grade titanium? Why was he grinning like an idiot? What did he seem so embarrassed about?

* What would you do if you had to melt down the plastic of a microwave bowl if you only had a microwave oven to melt it in?