Monday, May 25, 2009

Things you wish you had said

A good friend of mine recently analysed my feeding philosophy in his characteristic witty manner... It was so brilliant that it just HAD to be mentioned here!

"You believe in abortion, but not murder. That is why you eat eggs but not meat."

Sheesh! I wish I had thought of that!

And now for something funny...

I met God.

He seemed to be a pretty cool chap. A bit aloof, I’d say, but cool undoubtedly.


It happened when I was in the heart of gult-land, Hyderabad, where I had to go on an official trip. As I entered the office complex, I asked the security person where I could find a certain building. He said, and keep in mind that he was gult, “Go straight down this road-u, you will find a grey building-u. When you yenter that building-u, a God will be sitting there. Ask that God, he will tell you where the building-u is.

Stunned, I hurried to meet God, who was allegedly sitting in Bldg-5. As a matter of fact, I even spoke with him. He was really chilled out. He wasnt even wearing the weird clothes and accessories I had imagined he'd be wearing. He was awfully nice. He gave me directions to get to Bldg-5, too.

I just wanted to let you know that if you are in Mecca or Hrishikesh or the Vatican or wherever, looking for God, you are looking in the wrong places. God is actually chilling out at Bldg-5 in an software office in Hyderabad, sitting cross-legged and reading a newspaper, apparently unaware that so many people are looking for him all over the place. 

And you know what’s the most unkindest cut of them all? I have a suspicion He is gult.

(For the uninitiated, God is gultspeak for Guard – something I discovered later. Imagine my disappointment!)


Thursday, May 21, 2009

When the music is over...

Here is a word of advice to straight-haired girls who spend 2 hours a day in front of a mirror, trying out a dozen shades of lipstick, and splurging money on cosmetics and hair products, spending precious time worrying about how they look - you will never, not in a million years be as beautiful as the woman I love.


In her time, she was the queen of Egypt. She was the most powerful woman in the most advanced civilisation on earth. She was also the most beautiful woman ever. And do you want to know how she ended up?

This is how we will all end up one day. Filthy rotting corpses right fit only to be eaten by worms. Yet look at her decaying body and her legacy. She lived a beautiful life. She died old and wrinkled and frail. She died a beautiful human being. You will be lucky if you look so graceful in death. You will be lucky if some young man whom you will never know, in a far, faraway country thousands of years later looks at your picture and wonders who you were, how you smiled, how much you were loved. You’d be lucky if he looked up at the stars thousands of years after you’re gone and wondered if you once saw the same stars.

Here is a word of advice for denim clad young girls in strip malls. What will be left of your good looks after a few years? Just some wrinkles and a few old bones. Ask yourself – what will be left of you after 3500 years?

This was Nefertiti - the most beautiful woman in the world.

A word of advice: Age gracefully. Die well.


(PS: Thanks to Meg for the bronze make up, the inspiration and the constant reminders)

Friday, May 15, 2009

Quiz - Part I of many

Guess who eats who



Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Warning: weather report ahead!

Dear blog reader,

If you are in the business of weather forecasting, pay special attention to the following sentence: You are a blithering idiot. If you earnestly believe in the veracity of your forecasts, that is. Otherwise you are plainly a pig-headed moron. Weather forecasters in Madras deserve a special mention here. Why should ignorant people be hired to tell other ignorant people what they don't want to know? And have you seen these jokers?

Why do they wear those stuffy, ill-fitting woolen suits, that make them seem like obese rhinoceri in tight-fitting dinner jackets? Have they ever seen themselves in a mirror? Who clears these harebrained morons as suitable for television audiences? This is broadcast to millions of homes every night for half an hour. What is the health ministry doing about it? How can any civilised culture view radioactive plutonium as a health hazard and yet let this morbid nonsense loose on the unsuspecting public? So the weather-people on TV have so much going against them already, and I havent even started on the meaty bit yet - the actual business of weather prediction; Which is essentially whimsical unscientific speculation by a badly dressed man wearing a wig, grinning like an idiot and vaguely waving his arms about over a map, usually accompanied by retarded 2-D graphics and loud cheerful music. Just what is the bloody point?!

Would you notice it if you heard the exact same weather report on two consecutive days? How many days in a row do you have to see the weather report before you realise that you have been shown the exact same black boring X-ray of the India map since 1957?

The only thing that changes from day to day throughout the year in Madras is the thermometer reading. So inevitably, the only thing that the weather forecasters talk about is how hot it is going to be. What can the weather forecaster on Sun News POSSIBLY say that you didn't know before? Weather news is actually a contradiction in terms, because there is nothing new about it. Pause for a moment here and ask yourselves - how would your daily routine be different if it was 34 degrees C as opposed to, say 33? Scientists who work on drug discovery for neurodegenerative diseases in hermetically sealed NMR laboratories have personally told me that they don't much care for 1C differences. So what difference does it make to Mr.Kettle-face (see the pic below) who sells tea and rice cakes in a roadside stall near Aminjikarai post office?

My forgiveness is a raving lunatic. Right now.

Get out of my face.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

More things about the universe that don't make sense - Part XXIV

Here are some more questions you are not going to understand.

1) Why do some people say life is hard? Life is hard compared to what? Being dead? How would they know?

2) Why is the alphabet in that order? Why should the alphabet be in ANY order? The only place where it is used is to spot a word in the dictionary. But with computers and what not these days, even that is not necessary any more. So why?

3) THIS report says that America recently broadened the scope of its unmanned air strikes in Pakistan from the semi-autonomous tribal areas to include the province of Baluchistan, in order to "smoke out" the Taliban (whose presence in Baluchistan, incidentally, was merely alleged). This followed speculation by senior members in the Obama administration that Pakistan was heading towards a total collapse of democracy and ultimately State failure....So they are saying all this because Taliban infiltrated certain regions in the North West Frontier Province? That raises an important question which I am sure millions of readers of this blog want to know the answer to - If the US Air Force does not hesitate to bomb the streets of Karachi and Quetta at the slightest suspicion of Taliban infiltration, how would they react if the said terrorists were standing on the roof of a 200000 b.p.d oil refinery in Saudi Arabia? Would they bomb it? What if the terrorists were dancing naked on an offshore oil rig in Alaska? Would they blow up costly Exxon Mobil infrastructure? More importantly, if the same terrorists were holed up somewhere in the Grand Canyon, would it merit a surgically precise SWAT retaliation from the American government... or would it call for carpet-bombing of Colorado? What if they were hiding in a Wal-Mart store in a marginal southern electorate somewhere in Alabama? Where would they drop their bombs?

4) If my previous question left you groping in the dark for answers, this should help you make up your mind - The Americans won't think twice before calling in an airstrike by F-16 fighter jets to blow up Madison Square Garden because there were a few garden lizards in it. See this.

5) What's all the fuss about sedentary jobs? NASCAR drivers and fighter pilots have sedentary jobs. The orthopaedic doctors people visit when they have problems resulting from a sedentary lifestyle have a sedentary lifestyle.

OK get back to your pathetic lives now.