Tuesday, May 20, 2008

On how to survive in Madras

If you are living in Madras and are finding it difficult to cope, you might find these pointers very helpful.

1. If you don't like Sambar, just close your eyes and gulp it down. There is no way you can avoid it here. Thinking of it as Dal tadka with tamarind juice spilt in it might help.

2. If you don't like south indian food, search for alternatives instead of cribbing about it.

3. If you do like south indian food, the next time you eat that mountain of rice remember that you have ingested enough energy to power a medium sized industrial cement mixer for a whole day. And in the time it takes your body to burn it all off, you would have eaten four more meals and would have put on enough weight to look like a prehistoric dinosaur with flesh hanging like curtains from its neck and arms. Go home. Feel good about it.

4. It is too hot. Yeah. 40C is hot. What are you, a fucking polar bear? Stop whining and put up with the heat.

5. Humidity. Yes, it is very humid. So use a deodrant.

6. There are no pretty girls. What can I do about it? There are some things for which even I don't have an answer.

7. Don't make fun of the Tamil accent, you shallow fuck. Know that "they" are making just as much fun of you as you are of them.

8. When a guy says, "Vaves begave likea mattre vonly ven they are in the prezence aaf yae graavitationala field-uh.", stop sniggering and listen to what he is saying instead of how he is saying it, you disgusting dirtbag. The guy could have just described the general theory of relativity. He could have been Ramanujam for all you know, but No. His accent is more important. You shallow pieces of shit.

8. I have heard so many people complaining that house rents are skyrocketing, auto-wallahs demand ridiculous fares, books are no longer cheap in Moore market etc. You obviously hold me responsible for all that. And because I was told at a very young age never to start a sentence with And and since you were obviously born yesterday, let me explain something to you.

There is a popular theory.

If in a forest there are 10 chimpanzees selling books and 100 gorillas who want to buy books, then the highest price quoted by the most gullible gorilla prevails in the forest. The 10 chimpanzees don't care how street smart the other 99 gorillas are or how attractive their backsides look, they just dont want to bargain. They want to find that one dumbass gorilla and sell him all their stuff.

It is called free market capitalism. If you don't like it, go and live in Cuba. You may find www.havana-rentals.com very helpful.

If you don't mind capitalism, there is some dipshit going around fixing rents and thrusting wads of cash into autowallahs' pockets. Find him and kill him. It will at lease keep the rents in check.

As long as there are people like you who keep giving the autowallahs what they ask for, prices will continue to remain high. Next time the autowallah asks you for 50 bucks for a two kilometre ride, walk. Don't go to Saravana bhavan and pay 40 bucks for a dosa. Eat at home. The next time the landlord quotes Rs.15000 for a 1bhk in Ponneri, dont bow your head. Don't look away. Dont mumble. Walk away. Don't give him the pleasure. Tell him you would rather live in a sewage pipe.

If enough people follow this, there will soon be a reversal of tide. Autowallas will be begging with us, fighting and clawing and undercutting each other's prices. Rents will come down. Dosas will be priced at 7 rupees, like they should be. Make yourself more scarce, you airheads! Make them seek you. Turn the system against itself. Use free market capitalism against the chimpanzees and cockroaches of the world.

Make my vision come true, you clones.