Wednesday, July 8, 2009

A few life saving tips from a guy who knows nothing about life.

I don't take life too seriously, and life doesn't take me too seriously. It's an arrangement that works reasonably well for both of us. But here's something you will do well to remember for as long as you live:

Remember to never trust banks. Or hedge funds. Big corporations will ALWAYS want your money. The only thing that changes is how badly they want it and how much they are willing to pay for it. So you see fluctuating interest rates.

Follow business news. It is very amusing. You will very likely be reminded of a dog running in circles, chasing its own tail. But the difference is that a dog chasing tail is a zero sum game. Economics is not. There are always losers in an economy. That's the way of the world.

Never trust the media. They manipulate. They lie. They dwell on inconsequential controversies, like Shiney Ahuja's libido, to divert your attention from the really important issues, like global warming. They contrive the most unlikely conspiracy theories, yet they don't say the most obvious thing if it hurts the majority sentiment. They make such popular but ridiculously false proclamations as "Prevent global warming. Save the Arctic Penguin.", when the exact opposite is true. It is actually the penguins who are causing global warming. By breathing. One whiff of carbon-dioxide at the poles has the same effect on the atmosphere as burning down a forest or a coal mine at the equator, because the air is thinner. You are moving from the double ring to the bull's eye. It can be scientifically proven. Infact, I just did. If there were no animals or birds at the poles, it would be much cooler there and hence the ice wouldn't melt. So, in a way the surest way to save the Arctic Penguin is to shoot them all. Why then does the media urge us to save them? Because penguins are cute.

Penguins are not cute. That can also be scientifically proven.

Play Xonix. It is the only thing in the world worth pursuing. It is a seemingly trivial 2D computer game in which you have to trap evil little dots in progressively smaller areas in the face of irrational and at times absurd resistance by ever shrinking and expanding sticks. But you should be careful with the little dots. Mere contact with them can seriously undermine your mobility. Repeated contact is rumoured to have a detrimental effect on your very survival in the game, but I wouldn't know about that. The simplicity of the concept is astounding. Yet, its minimalism is matched only by its staggering range of probabilistic permutations. It's like walking into a mirror room. It will show you a million reflections of yourself. And reflections of reflections. You have quite literally infinite options at any given instant. It is a never ending fugue that will either elevate you to an orgasmic state of Karmic awareness, or depress you into a deep psychosomatic existential crisis. It will teach you, if you are inclined to learn, the absurdity of a purposeless existence and demonstrate the futility of endeavour in a way nothing else can. It is a fountainhead of profound philosophical thought.

Education is an industry and it is run by morons.

Let me rule the world, just for a day! I'll show you! I swear to God, you'd have never seen anything quite like it! Bearded university intellectuals and aviator shades will make a comeback. There wouldn't be any hiking gear or laptop bags. I swear to God i'll crash us sideways through the pearly gates in a trail of fire, leaving behind a wake of destruction and shattered window glass. 

I have a vision of a madhouse, a seething charge of explosive creativity, where not a word is uttered that is commonplace, trite or uninspiring. The dull and the unimaginative would have no place in the madhouse. I have a vision of a world where thousands of young men and women break the shackles of slavery and wander off to the mountains, in search of the source of the great Amazon. A whole generation fuelled by Cannabis and a burning desire to set fire to the record. I really, genuinely, truly, earnestly believe that this is the only sensible way to live. Anything else is a compromise. If you fail to see what is to gained by such an existence, the ordinariness to which you doom yourself is entirely your problem to deal with.

The grass IS greener here. It is a dark shade of olive. 

If only I ruled the world....

If what I said offended you, I just want you to know that I am not sorry. I'm not looking for anyone's forgiveness. Keep the change.