Tuesday, January 20, 2009

My Presidential Manifesto

This climatologist predicts that the average temperature of the earth will be up by 1.8 degrees C in 2050. Absolute rubbish. Can you believe it? 1.8 degrees Centigrade over 40 years! How did he calculate that?! Really, I am sure he can't even tell you what the weather is going to be like tomorrow morning. I mean, who is this joker and what does he know about chaotic non-linear deterministic models that qualifies him to make judgements on current and future climactic states? And how exactly did he arrive at 1.8 degrees Centigrade, I'd like to know. Even if he lists all the factors he accounted for while making the calculation, I am sure I can list 10 more that can throw off his estimation by several digits over a 40 year period.

Sodium bicarbonate is a useful chemical. It can be used as a fire retardant, baking additive, deodorant, desiccant, stain remover, odour repellant, pest repellant, toothpowder, cleaning agent, degreaser, antiseptic and mouthwash, among other things. On the other hand, the only contribution Klaus Toepfer's overpaid team of climatologists have made to mankind so far is some arbitrarily chosen number resulting from a calculation based on some ridiculously flawed logic. So, in terms of overall marginal utility to the well being of our species, polar climate, economy of the free world and the Universe in general, the average weather forecaster is clearly less useful than a pinch of baking soda. So if you see Klaus Toepfer's climatologists dangling from a cliff alongside a spoonful of baking soda and you were allowed to save any one, you'd do more good to the world if you chose the baking soda. It would be the logical choice too, as you cannot use Toepfer's weathermen to clean your teeth or bake a cake nor is the great scientific machinery going to come to a grinding halt if they fall down the cliff. It would merely make a microscopic dent in the enormous population of the world and leave its intellectual capital untouched.

I am not suggesting that the earth is getting any cooler. I don't even deny that the world needs to be saved. I'm the first to admit that the world has a rather peculiar habit of often burrowing itself into situations from where it has to be rescued. All I am saying is that there is no way on earth Toepfer's weathermen can calculate the temperature of the earth 40 years from now. I am sure they are a bunch of losers who wanted to be big-shot UN scientists when they started out, but didn't pay enough attention in school and ended up being dopey half-assed weathermen on Fox TV whom you can't even rely on to accurately tell you whether it rained yesterday. The first practical step towards reducing global warming would be to stop listening to these idiots.

Here are some more practical things we could do to prevent global warming:-

*Kill the whales and dump the carcasses on islands. Less buoyant, blubbery fat floating about pointlessly in the seas would mean lower sea levels.

*Excavate mud and rocks from the bottom of the oceans and dump them on islands. The oceans would become deeper (lower sea levels) and Tokyo would have lower real estate prices. Because no one would want to live there, what with the piles of slushy muck and dead whales on the roads.

*Load SPF-120 sunscreen lotion in a fleet of a dozen 300,000 MT oil-tankers and blow them up in the arctic sea. The resulting sunscreen spill will be enough to protect the sea life and the polar ice caps from the harmful UV rays of the sun.

*All said and done, the chief culprit is sunshine. Let's be practical about it. Trying to cool down the earth by using CFL lamps and eco friendly cars is like trying to stop a speeding train by wheezing at it through a straw. A more practical approach should involve blocking the sun's rays. The idea is to place a huge sheet of heat resistant, light-absorbing amorphous sodium crystal that will block the sun's rays from hitting the north pole.

Click on the following image.

I did some black-magic and came up with this - The polar ice caps have an area of 50000 sq. km, and the sun is 150000000 km from the Earth. To shield this area from direct sunlight, we would only have to take a crystal the size of the Onyx dump yard in T-Nagar and put it in Geosynchronous orbit at an altitude of 148800000 Km. That would be enough to cast a shadow on the north pole and thus keep it cool. We have sent satellites much further than 148800000 Km. Voyager I is now 100 times farther than the sun. So, the altitude should not be a problem. If we can somehow accomplish this, we would have not only solved the global warming crisis, but also made the solar system's biggest sunglass.

Now, that's something we can all look back at and be proud of.

That and the sunscreen spill.