Conversations

What follows is fiction. But I might be making THAT up.


Loser 1: All troubles in the known universe have either or both of two root causes – words gone wrong, or a woman.


Loser 2: Or neither.

Loser 1: Never neither.

Loser 2: It is sometimes neither. It’s really funny then.

Loser 1(is taken aback): How?

Loser 2: Take the deal with Maldives for instance. Did you know they are fast vanishing? Isn’t that funny? I mean these islands are so small that they are like these tiny little specks of dirt on the beak of a chicken.

Loser 1: Tiny little specks of dirt on the beak of a chicken.

Loser 2: Yeah. Specks of dirt on the beak of a chicken which no one really gives a shit about, not even the chicken in question. They are so tiny that you can’t even notice them, much less know when they are gone. There are whales in the ocean bigger than these islands. You can’t even ride a bicycle because you’d get tired of making three-point turns all the time. And these islands are disappearing because of global warming. See, that’s a problem neither words nor women caused.

Loser 1: Don't you see?! That’s exactly what I mean. It is not caused by either wrong words or a woman, so it isn’t really a problem. You said so yourself. If these islands are not big enough to be even noticed, how is their disappearance a problem at all?

Loser 2: So, maybe its not really a problem....

Loser 1: Not at all.

Loser 2: Hmmm…Have you ever wondered whether…

Loser 1: Have I ever wondered how many women would be upset if the Maldives vanished?

Loser 2: …Yes!

Loser 1: Yes!! I have! I have! I wonder about it all the time.

Loser 2: Me too! Keeps me awake at nights!

Loser 1: So? How many women?

Loser 2: None?

Loser 1: None!

Loser 2: So, corollary to what you said, anything that doesn’t upset a woman isn’t really a problem?

Loser 1: Exactly… Er, did I say that, or was that you?

Loser 2: I think it was you…But Maldives was a class act.

Loser 1: Classic example, no?

Loser 2: Vintage.

Loser 1: One hundred percent.

Loser 2: (Leans back and gazes into the distance, putting his hands behind his head) Ah, the beauty of circular logic!

Loser 1: ( Also leans back and gazes into the distance, putting his hands behind his head) Man, we’re so smart, aren’t we?

Loser 2: Absolutely!

Loser 1: No doubt!

Loser 2: Yeah.

Loser 1: Yeah.

(Awkward silence for a minute)

Losers 1 & 2 (fiddling with their thumbs, not looking at each other) : Yeah…